This is an entry I didn't want to do

I have avoided making this entry. Wasn't sure that I would. Still don't know if I should do it just now but something just doesn't feel right about not doing it now. Maybe some extra prayers and good energy sent her way will help out. Lord only knows I've been praying for them.

You all already know about Sarah and Bennie's struggle with infertility and her miscarriage in April. The thing is that when you're going through infertility treatment it's all about science. Well, that's not entirely true, I believe that God's hand is very much involved. Anyway, what I mean is that there are constant blood tests, ultrasounds to check on the size of eggs, embarrassing trips to little rooms for Bennie to do "his part", medications to take, sterile clinical settings to endure, and countless hours spent in the grip of worry and anxiety. What should be a wonderful time in a couple's life becomes a very stressful and expensive exercise in seeming futility.

The reason that their news was supposed to be secret for now is because they find out they're pregnant so very soon. They know because the infertility doctor's are so on top of what is going on almost every day after the insemination. It has only been two weeks since the insemination. She felt so bad last time that she had told people and then she felt bad that so many people had to feel so bad for them when she miscarried. She wanted to spare other people the sadness this time if it didn't work out. I haven't told any other family or friends (just you guys).

In April she told me everything that was going on daily and I anxiously awaited the pregnancy test with her. This time, because she wanted to spare me the anxiety of those days, I didn't know that they had made another attempt. She wasn't going to tell me until she was at least 8 weeks along. But bless her heart, she was so excited she couldn't keep the news to herself. And I'm glad that she didn't. When she told me Sunday that she was pregnant she told me that she was having more blood work drawn on Tuesday to check her hcg level. They wanted that number to be at least 100. It was only 7. Her doctor told her to come back on Thursday and they would redraw it. They are absolutely heartbroken. I, being the eternal optimist that I am, said that maybe the little swimmers had swam an extra day or two and maybe, just maybe her hcg level hadn't had time yet to climb. She wasn't buying it. She sounds resigned to the fact that she's lost another pregnancy. She has terrible endometriosis, cysts on her ovary and a scarred tube on the other side. It seems they are easily able to get her pregnant with the insemination but she can't seem to sustain the pregnancy.

Tomorrow, she will go for the blood work. I will look forward to and at the same time dread the phone call that I will receive at some point tomorrow. We need a miracle here.

I am not above asking for prayers and miracles.