I'm alive, just buried in projects

You all probably thought I got lost somewhere along the way between Florida and home since I haven't posted a single thing since before we left. But I did, indeed, make it home in one piece. But I don't feel like my feet have much more than touched the ground since we got home two weeks ago. We had a GREAT time! We did a lot of hanging out with Emily and Wendell, laid around the pool a couple of days, went to Universal Studios a couple of days, visited my parents at their retirement community for a day and a night, and did some decorating of Emily and Wendell's condo. The best part though, was sitting up late at night and just girl talking with Emily and Sarah Kate. I was truly in Paradise!! While walking around at Universal, I looked up and saw "Paradise" in lights on a building and just had to take the above picture.

On one of the days that Emily had to work while we were there, Sarah, Austin and I went to WONDERWORKS. Below are Sarah and Austin playing in giant bubbles.



Emily and Austin playing with the giant shark at Universal Studios.



Since we've been home I've been working like a Trojan on my "to do list". I am bound and determined to get the deck finished. It was on my list for last year, but I just procrastinated myself right out of doing it and I've been kicking myself all winter for not doing it. Soooo, I've jumped in with both feet and I will get it done or die trying. Actually, one of the reasons I didn't get it done before was because I kept changing my mind about what color I wanted to use. I've waffled back and forth on many choices. I finally decided on doing the rail and corner sections white and painting (staining) the actual floor the same putty color as the siding in the back of the house. I'm so happy that I decided to go with the white.


The wrought iron table and chairs were painted green and I decided to paint them black and I'm loving the change, I bought some pretty chair pads for the chairs and I can't wait to get it all put together. I love how the black pops against the white. And I can't wait to see how the colors of my flowers will pop against the white. You can see a little bit of the siding in the following picture. That's what color the floor is going to be.


In other news, Patrick and Amber have a new baby! They are closing on their house at the end of May and when Amber heard about a new litter of Yellow Labs, they just couldn't resist getting one. You need a little back story here. Patrick has always LOVED "Old Yeller". Even as a little boy he would say that someday he was going to have a Yellow Lab and he was going to name him "Yeller". My Patrick is such a soft hearted guy. A couple of years ago, Austin had a little friend spending the night. As we were eating dinner, Austin turned to his little friend and said, "After dinner we'll watch "Old Yeller" and you can watch Patrick cry!". He's 29 years old next month and he still cries every time Old Yeller gets shot So, now he finally has his yeller dog. He is so cute and we've all fallen in love with him. I will miss him when Patrick and he move to the new house next month.

Speaking of their new house, here it is. It is a tri-level with an in ground pool out back (I think the pool was was what sealed the deal). They have a lot of work ahead of them. While the house is sound, there are a lot of cosmetic things that need to be done to bring it up to date. It's stuck in the 70's if you know what I mean. We will be spending a lot of time cleaning, painting and landscaping over there and it will be a lot of fun. I will take before and after pictures and share them with you as we go.

Here it is from the back...I foresee many good times in this back yard.

As if tackling the deck wasn't enough of a project, I am also working on refinishing my grandfather's 97 year old high chair, and I swear I think it had 97 coats of paint on it. I've never stripped an old piece of furniture before and I had no idea what a slow process it is. I bet I have at least 12 hours in this project already and I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, I just keep telling myself that it will all be worth it when I see little Brooks and all the grands to follow sitting at my table in their great, great grandfathers chair.

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And speaking of Brooks!!!!! Here is Sarah at 23 weeks. He's growing fast and we can't wait to get our hands on him.

Well, it's time to get back to my projects. I'll eventually get caught up with everyone, I promise.

Ohhh, there is something in the works here that has been long prayed for and anticipated. I can't give you any more details right now but please hold good thoughts for the signing of contracts. I promise to give alll the details when I can.

The gift of time...

You know that quote about best laid plans? Well, mine went right out the window last night. We had some friends stop over and my timeline, which was tight beyond belief anyway went by the wayside. The things I needed to do would have kept the household awake with me all night so I just had to give up.

So, wonder of wonders, the staffing office called as I was getting ready for work and put me on call for the 3-11 shift and called me off entirely for the 11-7 shift., I just got handed 16.5 hours to get it all done. Woo hoo!

Someone asked in email where Emily and Wendell live, they live in Orlando. So, Chris, I'll wave as we go through Knoxville! And Lynn, I'll be throwing you a wave as well. Is there anyone else I'll be driving past on our way?

Jimmy just called and suggested that since Sarah Kate is off work tomorrow we should just take Austin out of school tomorrow and hit the road either tonight or in the morning. It would give us a whole extra day so I'm thinking about that. Austin wanted perfect attendance this year, but he's already missed one day early in the school year. He'll get some kind of recognition for only missing one day so I think I'll leave it up to him to decide.

Okay, well, I guess it's time to make the most of my found hours.

Road Trip!!

Sarah Kate, Austin and I are loadin' up and heading to Florida to spend a week with Emily and Wendell on Friday. Can you EVEN guess how excited we are?

I have to work one more double shift tomorrow and sleep fast on Friday and then when I get up Friday afternoon, we're heading out. Austin is on Spring Break next week and we decided it was the perfect time to go. Sarah's morning (all day) sickness has almost completely subsided and she's up for it.

My Mom and Dad winter in Florida (Lake Wales), so we'll be heading down to spend two days and a night with them also. Austin will get in some good fishing time with Grandpa, hopefully. If not, he'll enjoy tooling around in Grandpa's golf cart in their little retirement park. We'll be hitting Disney at least one day as well. Other than that, I plan on vegging and just enjoying my kids!

Somehow, I have to figure out how to get all the laundry in this house done, pack our bags, make sure Jimmy and Patrick have enough grub to hold them over and clean the house before I go to bed tonight. Oh well, I always work better under pressure.

NEW TEMPLATE COMING!!

The amazing Brandi of Excess Baggage is working on a new template for my digs here. I'm so envious of the creative people who can do this. I can't wait to see what she comes up with, so stay tuned for the big reveal.

Other things I've learned along the way...

How about some pretty pink today. Can't wait to see this in my yard again!


I've loved reading all your comments and emails about your thoughts on God/religion/spirituality. It makes me wish we could all be together in a cozy room with a fireplace and lots of comfy chairs to sit around and discuss things. Wouldn't that just be so much fun?

I've finished The Shack now and I hated to see it come to an end. I handed it to Patrick after I finished and asked if he'd like to read it. I told him that this is probably the most profound book I'd ever read (I've read a looooooot of books!). One of the reviews on the book said that it would forever change the way you think about God. For me, this is very true. On second thought, maybe that's not true. I think a truer statement would be that it confirmed for me the way I think about God.

After reading it, I did a google search and was not surprised to find some very hostile reviews by Christians. While I already knew there was some controversy surrounding The Shack, I was, nevertheless, saddened to read many of them. I truly believe that there will be many many people who will read The Shack who've always felt outside of God's love and Grace. And I believe that while reading this book they will discover that God does indeed love them. How in the world can that be seen as evil?

Many in the Church are determined to paint God as a tyrant, making demands that make it seemingly impossible to perform. They are so caught up in doctrine that they lose the very essence of God's message which was all about love. It's not about doctrine, it's about a relationship with God. It's about loving one another. It's truly a case of not seeing the forest for the trees. They have no idea of the damage they do to people who are hungry for a relationship with God. It saddens me more than I can begin to put into words. It saddens me because they did that to me for a very long time.

I've said before that everyone has their own path and their own journey. It's not for me or anyone else to tell someone that their path is wrong. I believe that God will meet us on whichever path we choose. My path feels right for me and I've found God waiting for me at every twist and turn since I began my search in earnest. I've found Him to be bigger and more loving than my churchgoing taught me. I came to him out of love and not duty and that has made all the difference.

There are many, and some of them in my own family, who will shake their heads and despair for my lost soul because of my beliefs. That's okay. I know what I know about my relationship with God. It is well with my soul.

I was raised Protestant and married a Catholic. It wasn't until after I was married that I found out that the Catholic Bible has books in it that are not in my Protestant Bible. Hmmm, I wondered, why is that? I was young and busy and didn't really give it much thought until several years ago when I realized that my relationship with God felt very small and insignificant. I was hungry but I didn't know exactly what I was hungry for. Then one day I realized that I was hungry for a true and personal relationship with God. In my search to find him I had to determine why I felt I'd lost that. I realized that I didn't trust Him and didn't feel his love for me because of all the seemingly inconsistent pictures the Bible painted of Him. In other words, I was commanded to love him out of fear for my soul. The threat of hell was ever present in my mind. I wanted to love Him because He was my Father and Creator, but when I got real honest with myself I couldn't determine if I was motivated from fear or love. But the Church or more truthfully, the people in the Church while they talked about Grace at times, surely weren't modeling it. So, if these two bibles don't have the same books, why is that? It's because Man decided what books "we" needed to base our lives on. See, it always muddies the water when "Man" tries to set the rules. I had always been taught that the Bible was the infallible word of God. Oh really? Then which one is the infallible version? The Catholic one or the Protestant one? This revelation set me on a search of just how we got the Bible in the first place and wouldn't ya know it, man was picking and choosing alllll along the way. I'm not going to say that I don't believe anything in the Bible because that would not be true. I will admit though that I have major questions about some of the teachings and there is no one on earth that can possibly answer those questions. Which means that I have to rely on God alone to lead me where he wants me to go. My brother (the preacher) thinks that is heretical. He says I have let "my ears be tickled" by untruths. All I can say is that I love God more than I ever did when it felt like a duty to be performed. I feel closer to God than I ever have in my life and I know that even if I'm wrong, his love and grace are big enough to cover me. THIS is a relationship, not an attempt to keep my self out of hell. The true hell for me was feeling outside of this relationship.

Being a mother has taught me what Grace is. My children loving me out of fear would not be love. I want my children to love me because they love me! They can't love me if they fear me. And the Grace part comes in when I realize that I love them whether they love me or not. Grace is love unconditional. Grace is a gift, unearned. Grace covers all. God's Grace loves me and redeems me even when I'm undeserving. THAT is the message of The Shack and many "men of God" have a problem with that. It boggles my mind.

Many certainly don't agree with me. That's okay. I mean absolutely no offense to anyone and would not even begin to suggest that your beliefs or religion is wrong. God is a loving Father and He is so much bigger than all our differences.

How God taught me what Grace means

It wasn't until I became a mother that I truly knew what unconditional love really meant. The simple fact is that my love for my children is not something that can be measured. It is a love that knows no bounds and there is absolutely nothing that they could do that would make me not love them. Have I liked everything they've done or said in their lives? No! Are they perfect? No. But by virtue of being mine ( I don't mean this in a possessive way) it would be impossible for me to not love them and want the absolute best for them.

I mentioned in an earlier post that Emily felt lost to us for several years when she was with her ex husband. That estrangement was the darkest period of my life. Looking back now, I see that God used that time to teach me a very valuable lesson about love, forgiveness, trust, the power of God's love for us, and maybe most importantly, what Grace really means. During that four year period I was all over the place emotionally. I started out being broken hearted and that lasted for a long time. I then moved into anger and was so angry at her husband that it literally felt at times that it would eat me alive. I then went through a period of feeling numb and became very depressed. I felt as invisible to God as a person can feel. There was no comfort to be found anywhere. I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life with this gaping hole in my heart that only Emily could fill. With the way things were between us and with the power that her husband had over her I didn't see how there could ever be a solution. The word "forgiveness" kept showing up in my reading. I knew I should forgive and in fact had to forgive this man who had, in my mind, stolen my daughter from me. This man was abused as a child, he comes from a family riddled with mental illness and knowing this allowed me to be sympathetic towards him to a degree. So I began to try to forgive him for the vile things he had said to us and for causing such heartache in our family. I stumbled and fell A LOT in my efforts here. I just kept praying that God would give me His heart to forgive because my human one felt very inadequate for the job. It wasn't something that happened overnight but over time I could feel the anger lifting from me. One day I just realized that I had forgiven him and that dark energy in my heart towards him was just gone. He became someone that I felt so very sorry for and I can even say that there were moments when I was able to feel some degree of love for him. It wasn't a warm and fuzzy kind of love, but it was a love that I don't think I would have been capable of without my knowledge of how a mother loves. The mother in me was able to recognize the terribly wounded child that was inside of him. If ever there had been a little boy who needed a parents healing love, it was him. So I started with that little glimmer of love and forgiveness and just rested with it. I decided that I could love them from where I was and my love for them and most especially for Emily wasn't contingent upon having that love and acceptance returned. She was my daughter and there was nothing she could do that would put her outside of my love for her. While I still missed the closeness of a day to day relationship with her, that hole in my heart was filled up with the love that "I" felt for her. I just had a knowing in my heart that someday she would be back in our lives and however long that took was just going to be however long that took.

It was at about that time that I realized that is how God must love us!!! I had been angry at God for quite a while because I felt like there were so many rules to follow and so many hoops to jump through to be worthy of God's love and it just felt like an impossible feat. How could anyone live up to the expectations of God?

If I, as a woefully flawed human mother, could love my child so much that even her refusal of that love couldn't diminish it even the tiniest bit, then surely God in His perfectness must love us the same way! I finally understood what Grace was all about. We don't save ourselves. God's Grace is the gift of a loving parent

Thankfully, Emily left her husband and so much healing has happened in our family in the past year. We now have the best relationship we've ever had and I thank God for that every single day. But I know that even if that had not happened I would still love her the same. The child may go away and turn their back on the love that is offered, but the parent loves them anyway. There was no way that she could escape the love I have for her. She didn't have to accept it. It was there anyway. I finally truly understood the story of the Prodigal Son. But more importantly, I finally truly understood the love of God and what Grace was all about.

The Shack and Baby Update

I've taken a break from TWILIGHT and am reading THE SHACK, which I've wanted to read for quite a while now. I highly recommend it. I believe that we have been taught to put God in a box and when we or at least when I tried to access Him from that place, He sometimes seemed very distant to me. For the past couple of years I've been doing a lot of spiritual work and the main thing that set me upon that journey was my own thinking that God was bigger and more available than what years of churchgoing had taught me. I've done a lot of reading in the past couple of years about God and spirituality. I've wanted very badly to discuss some of what I've come to believe here in my journal. I've not done that and I don't know why. I've decided though, that I'm going to do it off and on here. I do not mean to offend anyone. I believe that one's relationship to God is a very personal one and no one has the right to tell anyone that their way to God is the wrong way. I don't like the word religion. I was raised in a Christian home and was in church at least three times a week. My brother is a minister. We often disagree on theology. That's okay. Like I said there are many paths. I can only speak of my own. I feel closer to God now than I ever have in my life. I don't feel like a religious person. I do, however, feel like a very spiritual person. God is bigger than we give Him credit for. He loves me and I believe He has orchestrated the journey I've been on every step of the way. I trust that. I will be working on explaining how I've come to this place in my journey. It's hard to explain sometime and I so don't want to hinder anyone else on their path. Just as each of our children are different and have their own special needs, talents, and perceptions, all of us as God's children are different. He allows us our differences and I believe He delights in those differences. I didn't always feel that way. I was taught a more narrow view.

I would love to hear all of your opinions and views regarding God and the spiritual path. I'm not so interested in what religion you consider yourself, I want to hear how you view God and yourself in relation to Him.

The one thing that I've known about myself since I was very small is that I was born to be a mother. I didn't realize, however, that being a mother would give me the spiritual insight that it has given me. My role as mother has opened my eyes to how dearly God must love us. That, has made all the difference in my life. I am working on an entry to explain that further. If this topic doesn't interest you that's fine. Just skip those entries. I need to put into words for myself my journey thus far. I welcome hearing about yours as well.




(Mandevilla plant from my yard last year) I can't wait to see if it survived the winter in the basement. Stay tuned!

I went with Sarah and Bennie yesterday for her 20 week ultrasound. Oh my gosh! Brooks was sucking his thumb and putting his fingers in his ears! All looks perfect and he's growing exactly the way he's supposed to. Seeing him sucking his thumb and yawning makes him so much more real! There really is a baby in there and he's going to be coming into our family!!! I fall more in love with him everyday and can't wait to nuzzle that little sweet neck. Can you believe that she's half way through her pregnancy already? Twenty more weeks and he's here! I. Can't. Wait!!!

Food for the Gray Matter

I have to work today so not much time to do a real entry so here is my meager offering:

I am a quote junkie. I usually pick one or two and roll them over and over in my mind all week. This is the one that I've been pondering all week and thought I'd share it. It's funny how sometimes one little sentence can strip away all the nonsense and just say what we need to hear. I think this is just such a thing. Don't let the best of you die inside.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

Norman Cousins