The nurse as her own patient

I worked my 16.5 hr shift on Tuesday night. I started dragging much sooner than usual and I was chalking it up to not sleeping enough on Monday. I don't think my bed has ever felt so good to me as mine did when I crawled into it yesterday morning at 8:15. At 10:30 I woke up with that horrible feeling that my stomach was not going to hold on to anything I'd put in it in the past 24 hours. You know that way that your mouth starts watering and you just know that your soon going to be on your knees in front of the porcelain pedestal, yeah that one! I don't think there is another person on the planet that hates to throw up more than I do. I mean some people will run their finger down their throat to get it over with already. I am the complete opposite of that. I will bargain with God, sell my children or anything else that comes to mind at such a time to avoid that disgusting exercise. So, I did deep breathing exercises, prayed, bargained, cried (yes, I cried!), and then remembered I had some Phenergan suppositories left over from a surgery 5 yrs ago in the refrigerator. So I did the suppository thing (sorry, just keeping it real here!) in a few minutes my mouth stopped that awful watering and then the cold chills hit. So I did my very favorite thing by climbing into a very deep and hot bathtub. This was my undoing!!! I managed to fall asleep in that hot bath for about 1/2 hour. All of a sudden the feeling came back with a vengeance! Why, because I got HOT. Oh Lord, I couldn't get out of that bathtub quick enough! I tried to get myself dried off and throw my nightgown over my head on my way to the porcelain pedestal. Suffice it to say that I wasn't able to do so many things at once. So there I was half dressed, still wet from my bath and assuming the position with absolutely no dignity. It wasn't pretty people, it wasn't pretty at alllll.

So the rest of the day yesterday I slept the sleep of the dead. When I woke up around 4:00 I had a fever, and felt muscles aching that I had forgotten that I even had. What a great way to spend my day off in between 16.5 hr shifts. I took some Advil and went back to sleep and slept fitfully from 5:00 pm till 11:00 this morning. My stomach feels much better and my fever is gone but I sure don't feel like working 16.5 hours tonight. But, nurses aren't' allowed to be sick so I'm getting ready to get my shower and hit it again.

I just talked to Sarah Kate and she had her blood drawn at 10:00 this morning and should have results around 2:30. I will let you know what her numbers were. She is still feeling nauseated and very tired so we're still very optimistic. I can't wait to hear from her. I will post an update from work later so you all won't have to wait till tomorrow to hear.

UPDATE: The census went down at the hospital! Staffing office just called and put me on call for the first 8 hours of my shift tonight. Thank you, God! I have until 11:00 to get back on top of my game!

My Christmas Present Came Early!!!!!!

Okay, so here's the scoop! As I've mentioned before we are big Bengal fans around here. You can stop laughing now! This has been THE most dismal season in memory and believe me when you're a Bengal fan that's sayin' something! So anyway, we usually go over to Bennie and Sarah's to watch the games. We haven't done that in several weeks because, well, see above comment about dismal season! I just had to go over there today so we loaded up and went. As soon as I laid eyes on her I knew my hunch was correct. But I didn't say a word! After we were there an hour or so Bennie, bless his heart, came over and sat down beside me and showed me a little stick with 2 pink lines on it. (Much brighter pink lines ,by the way, than the last time). I wish you could have seen the smile on his face! So, I jumped up and said, "I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!". He wasn't supposed to tell me, but he couldn't hold it in! (I love that guy!) So, the news is this. She is 4 weeks pregnant and she had her first check of hcg levels on Friday. Remember last time when they wanted it to be 100 and it was only 2. This time, they wanted it to be 100 and it was 175!! Not only that, but she's having all the physical symptoms which she's never had before. When she complained of being nauseous I said that was "music to my ears"!!! She even looks different! She will have an ultrasound in about 2 weeks. Oh, and there were 2 eggs!!!! Could be a double blessing or even more, who knows. We are not telling anyone else in the family until Christmas, but I could not possibly keep this news from you guys. All of our (and your) prayers have worked and we can't stop praying now. I wish I could hug each and every one of you. I couldn't wait to get on this computer and let you all know. You're the best!

I don't even know what day it is anymore!!

The hospital where I work is merging with another hospital and it has played havoc with my life! Our pay periods are in two week increments and I used to work 16 hours one week and 24 hours the next. I was working evening shift 3pm to 11 pm. That qualified me for insurance. Well, with the merger my cost for insurance was going to be about $75.00 more per pay period unless I increased my hours to 60 per pay period. Soooo, with the economy being what it is and my husband's business taking major hits I decided that it was time to bite the bullet and just go whole hog and jump up to 40 hours per week. The problem was though that if I worked 5 evenings a week I would never see Austin. And if I went to day shift (have I told you all how I'm soooooooo not a morning person!?!?) I would lose the $4.00/hr shift differential. So I put on my thinking cap and came up with what sounded like a brilliant idea (emphasis on sounded like). I proposed to my manager that I work two double shifts a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays and just stay on eight hour shifts on my weekends (every other weekend). She agreed to my proposal and the insanity started this past Tuesday. I go in at 3pm and don't get off until 7:30 am the next day. What in the world was I thinking? I did, however, survive my first week and thanks be to all that is holy this happened to be my weekend off and I'm trying to recover! I've decided that this is just going to be one of those mind over matter things and I am determined to make it work. When I got off work yesterday morning it was pretty nice to realize that I'd only gone to work twice and had 4 days worth of hours already. Sooo, if you read something I've written here some day and you think that maybe it sounds a little wacky....chalk it up to sleep deprivation! In the meantime....please pray for my sanity! lol

I also want to tell you all about something that I'm pretty sure is in the works around here. My daughter, Emily, kind of let it slip to me last week that Sarah and Bennie made another attempt at artificial insemination a few weeks ago. I haven't asked Sarah about it. I knew after the last miscarriage that she would not tell anyone the next time she was pregnant until she was far enough along that she felt safe. I completely understand that and for that reason have not asked any questions. However, my Mom radar has been on high alert! lol

I was talking to Sarah on the phone yesterday and I swear I could hear it in her voice! So, later, being the super-sleuth mother that I am I checked out her My Space page. And guess what she had written there? "Sarah is a very happy girl", and she listed her mood as "grateful". Then, sneaky thing that I am, I meandered over to her Facebook page and sure enough the message there said, "Sarah is very happy". I know my girl and I know that only good lab numbers and ultrasound results would warrant those comments. I think I know what we're getting for Christmas! So, I'm praying that this little miracle has a good tight hold in there and that by Christmas Sarah and Bennie will be breathing easier and are able to finally celebrate. I will keep you all posted and I thank you for all the prayers that have been said for them. Please don't stop.

Every journey starts with a single step...

I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking and therapy and working on myself lately. One of the things that I've found out the hard way is that things that we refuse to deal with, process and work out have a way of making you deal with them. One day we just come face to face with what isn't working and we either find a way to cope with them (deny and ignore) or find a way to work through them. I've chosen to work through them and that decision is making all the difference. As time goes on I will share those pieces of that that I can and I will try to share what I learn along the way. In the meantime, I want to share some books that I've been reading that have helped me tremendously and they are books that anyone can find inspiration from. You don't have to be depressed, in a crisis, or having anything "wrong" in your life to benefit from these books. In fact, I wish I'd read these books a long time ago.

THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED M. Scott Peck
FURTHER ALONG THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED M. Scott Peck
WELCOME TO YOUR CRISIS Laura Day
REPOSITION YOURSELF T.D. Jakes

There are other books, but I will share those later. I am also seeing a therapist and it's one of the greatest tools I've found. It is important to find a therapist that you can feel comfortable with and that you feel safe to share your deepest unspoken thoughts with. Something happens in the therapist's office that is unexplainable. When we speak our truth we often hear it for the first time ourselves. I'm leaning about tools to heal the hurt parts deep inside of me that I've never verbalized before. It's one of the greatest gifts I've ever given myself. My therapist's name is Chuck and I have come to think of Tuesdays as "Tuesdays with Chuck". I look forward to going and every time I've been amazed by at least three things that I hear coming out of my mouth that I hadn't even realized I had hidden deep inside of me. Here I am fifty years old and I feel like for the first time in my life I'm finding out who I am and how to take care of myself.

Life is a journey. We all take meandering paths down very different roads at different times in our lives on the way to becoming our authentic selves. Some of us take longer than others to start the journey. But what I've learned is that a crisis, or a depression can be the best thing that can happen to us. When we are faced with our inability to cope with something and we feel broken and lost in the middle of the road there is nothing left to do except reach out for help and try to find a map to get us back on the road in our journey. That's where I've been the past several weeks. I will attempt, at times, to share some of what I'm learning here in the hope that my struggles, my journey and the things that I discover along the way can help someone else realize that the journey and the pain are worth it.

I promise not to turn this journal into doom and gloom, I"m most definitely not a doom and gloom kind of gal. There will be happy things to report and hopefully some funny stories to share, but I'm trying to learn to speak my truth (in as much as I can in a public forum), to stand up for myself and to demand better of myself. This will not be easy for me but I know it to be necessary. I know that the journey will never be complete, that it will be an ongoing trek for as long as I breathe, but I also know that every mile that I complete will bring me closer to the person that God intended for me to be and that along the way many gifts await.

In keeping with the new journey....I'm changing the look around here. There may be many changes until I find the look that feels like me. The theme here is all about accepting change...here we go!!!

Sharin' the love...

Just when I'm trying to get over the shock of receiving the Superior Scribblers Award I discover that some of you dear people have nominated me for the Marie Antoinette Award! My goodness! Things like this just don't happen to ME!

I want to thank

Cindi from WISHING FOR MY TURN http://wishingformyturn.blogspot.com/2008/11/marie-antoinette-award.html

Karen from KBears Heart 2 http://kbearsheart2.blogspot.com/

and

Wes From Life is What it is Sometimes http://lifeiswhatitissometimes.blogspot.com/2008/11/marie-antoinette-real-person-real-award.html

for nominating me. Their faith in me astounds me!!

So, now it's my turn to nominate 7 people for the Marie Antoinette Award. I love this because I had to leave out some of my favorite journals earlier and I get to tell you about 7 more of my favorites. I wish I could nominate at least 10 more, but the rules are the rules. Please stop by these journals and leave them some love. I know that they will become some of your favorites too.

Marc from Grains of Sand http://grainsofsand-poetic-marc.blogspot.com/ I've been reading Marc for several years and he never ceases to amaze me with the masterpieces he paints with words. He is such a gentle soul and has such a way with words. You don't just read Marc's journal, you go along on the trip with him.

Paul from Brininess and Volubility http://waterboywriting.blogspot.com/ I'm not sure how I found this journal but I love it and am always excited when I see a new post up. Paul is a retired English teacher who has fine taste in music, goes on some really neat trips which he thankfully shares in his journal and has some wonderful stories about his character of a mother, lovingly referred to as Grammy. (I love the Grammy stories!)

Leslie from 2807 Sunflower Lane http://2807sunflowerlane.blogspot.com/ Leslie is the Queen of Celebrations! This gal takes decorating to a brand new level. Make sure you go back and see all of her Halloween preparations. I think the White House should hire her immediately and put her in charge of all things celebratory! Plus, she has great taste in dogs!!

Janie from There is only 1 today http://thereisonly1today.blogspot.com/ Janie is one of those people who just makes you smile. I love reading about her adventures with her animals and just soaking up the sunshine that reading her gives me. Her place will just make you feel good. What more could you ask for.

De from Where Do I Go From Here http://desthoughts.blogspot.com/ De is a fellow nurse and just an all round good person so deserving of this award. You will read about her friends and her life with her son and you'll smile, a lot. And you'll cheer for her! Please cheer for her!!!

Ada from One Way Trip http://onewaytrip18.blogspot.com/ Ada writes with such candor and honesty and I always look forward to new posts from her. I love her spirit and you will too.

Jeanie from Adventures of an Eclectic Mind http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/ You'll learn some pretty neat stuff on Jeanie's journal. And if you like horses (and who among us doesn't) you'll enjoy reading about her horse.

The Rules:1. Please put the logo in your blog2. Place a link from the person, from whom you received the award3. Nominate at least 7 or more4. Put the links of those on your blog5. Leave a message on their blog to let them know

Oh my gosh, Thank you, Debbie!

Note to self: The next time you spend a very long time on an entry....make sure you don't forget you're on battery power and then walk away for a second only to see the screen fading to hibernate as you watch all your work go down the tubes. Grrrrr!

I cannot tell you how surprised I was to get a message from Debbie over at http://boondocksflapdoodleandbeyond.blogspot.com/ Boondocks, Flapdoodle and Beyond telling me that she'd nominated me for the Superior Scribbler's Award! I've been not so good lately at keeping up with things here and I truly don't deserve this award but I sure was touched by her faith in me! Thank you Debbie...I'll try to earn it.

So here is how this works:

1. - Post the award on your journal.
2. - Link back to the one who nominated you.
3. - Link back to the originating post for a list of rules
4. -Give this award to 5 other people that you feel fit the criteria of this award.

I present this Superior Scribbler Award to:

Judi http://emmapeeldallas.blogspot.com/ Talking to Myself

Judi is my "separated at birth twin sister", I've been following Judi's journal for several years and I just love her! She and I think so much a like and have so many interest in common. I love the way she tells a story (and she's got some good ones!) I love reading about her life and the food she cooks and the monumental DIY home projects she takes on...you just won't believe what this woman can do!!! You've got to see her journal if for no other reason than to see her beautiful grandson, Zander! If I could have one magic carpet ride I'd go to Judi's and eat dinner with her in her beautiful home and just enjoy her company. Do yourself a favor and go visit Judi. Thanks, Judi, for being such a great friend to me.

Indigo http://deafscreams.blogspot.com/ Scream Quietly

Indigo will inspire you and make you think. I love reading her journal. She is so honest and warm. You'll love her. And let me tell you there is nothing like getting a note from Indgo telling you that she is praying for you on the smoke. I am so grateful for those prayers. She's special, and you owe it to yourself to read her. Thank you, Indigo for being the special woman that you are and for taking me into your circle.

Linda http://lindapoohsthotfulspot.blogspot.com/ My Thotful Spot

Linda is one of those people that just warms your heart from the start. She is such a neat lady and I'm so grateful that I found her journal. I love reading about Marv and Mandy and her fur baby, Abby, and her grand fur baby, Maddie. Oh, and prepare to rediscover your love for Winnie the Pooh! It's a fun place! Thank you Linda for the warm friendship you've offered and for being the sweet, sweet spirit that you are.

Cindi http://wishingformyturn.blogspot.com/ Wishing for My Turn

Cindi is such a sweet person and she gives you wonderful "Sunday Sayings". (I'm a quote junkie!) She is always to be counted on for something positive to say and it's a good place to stop by for a "cheer up". Oh, and she just moved into a new house and it's fun to hear how she's putting it all together. Thanks, Cindi for your cheerful disposition and those wonderful quotes and cute country graphics.

Monica http://monicasmindlessmutterings.blogspot.com/ Monica Monica's Mindless Mumblings

Monica is a photographer and I absolutely love to see her photographs. She also writes very well and sends the most heartfelt messages just when you really need one! You'll enjoy reading Monica and just wait till you see her fur baby, Toby!!! Monica is just a great gal, so wander on over there and say hello. You'll be glad that you did. Thanks Monica for being so very nice and when I grow up, I want to take pictures like you!

Darn, that's my five and I have others I want to nominate! Just look in the right sidebar and check out all of my friends. They are the best.

I am blessed to know such wonderful people

It's been a while since I've made an entry here. I have received some of the kindest comments and emails from you, my friends and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate them.

First of all Sarah and Bennie are doing well. Looking forward to the baby that they will eventually hold in their arms. It will happen, we all know that. They will make wonderful loving parents. Thank you so much for your prayers and thoughts for them. It warms my heart.

I am not so good at sharing unhappy things in my life. I guess I heard that old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." too many times. I am going through a rough patch and I find that I just can't write about it publicly. I have gone through a depression before and managed to fight my way out of it over time and I'm sure that I will do it again. These are hard times for a lot of people. Sometimes it just feels like everything hits at one time and it takes us a while to get our footing and turn our thoughts around. I'm working on doing that, and some day soon I will get back to my normal cheerful self. In the meantime, if I can't come here and say something uplifting and positive I will not post anything. This will perhaps make me search for the good things.

One of the good things that I've found recently is a book that I just finished. I recommend it to everyone. The book is "The Road Less Travelled". Do yourself a favor and read this book. Read it slowly and digest it. It's helping me. I hope it helps you too.

Thank you all for your kind comments and emails. They have warmed my heart and brightened my days. What a wonderful community.